Look at me using fancy words.
anyway. lets get to the point.
Eventually I hope to have all my secrets out in the open. I don’t want to keep them all to myself anymore.
Okay, that wasn’t the point.
Now lets get to the point.
I bet none of you knew that I was anorexic once upon a time. Well, I was. Now you know. I limited myself to less than 500 calories a day. Normally I tried to keep it at 100. But I’d always end up going over and then I’d hate myself for days and just completely starve myself. I normally spent roughly 5 hours a day working out/running, and the rest of my time was spent sleeping. I felt hopeless. Lost. Alone. Ugly. Stupid. Worthless. Those days were dark.
I never became ‘skinny’ through this method. Which made me hate myself even more. I thought I was disgusting. I still think that sometimes. Even though I like to think that I beat this demon, I’m pretty sure those thoughts still dictate my life. Not as bad, but they’re still there. I developed the weirdest eating habits. I never even payed attention to them until recently. That’s just how things were. I was so used to not eating that I never felt hungry. And now I simply refuse to eat most things. I’ll probably never be normal again.
But hey, that’s life.
12 months ago I thought things would never get better. I didn’t see myself reaching the age of 17.
Look where I am now.
I really never thought I’d be here. I never thought that I would be happy. But I am.
So incredibly happy. <3
I have attempted suicide multiple times over the course of my life so far. My wrists are covered with scars, as are my legs. I spent the majority of my life wishing I had never been born, and contemplating ways to take my own life.
I am very proud to say that that part of my life is over now. I’m proud to say that I’m still alive. And I’m sooo happy that I’m still here. I still have those moments where life just sucks, but I know now that those feelings won’t last forever. If you are thinking about/have ever thought about suicide, I want you to know that things WILL get better. I promise you that. You can overcome those feelings of despair and hopelessness and live. Really live. I like to think that I am living proof of that. I know that when you reach that point, there isn’t anything that anyone can say to change your mind. They could tell you its selfish or not worth it, but you won’t listen. I know that. I didn’t listen to anybody when they told me those things. All I could think about was how much I wanted to die.
But you need to know that that low WILL NOT last forever. Please please please talk to someone, even if you don’t want to listen to what they have to say. Just simply talking WILL help you. Everybody says that and I know it’s over-said, but its true.
I don’t really know what I’m trying to accomplish with this post. I guess I just want everyone to know that life won’t suck forever. Everybody deserves a chance to really live their life. If you have no one to talk to, I am here to listen. Even if I don’t know you or your situation. I promise I will try my best to help you.
and now I’m having a panic attack fucking wonderful.
Friends don’t constantly tear each other down. you need to understand that this is HER life, not yours. No offense, but you are fucking controlling. And this is why I hated you before. You think everybody should do what you think they should do and that your opinion is always right. Guess what? No. It isn’t. So stfu.
She needs your support more than anything right now and all you’re doing is calling her stupid. Friendship may not be about supporting every decision but it IS about helping them through the difficult ones.
And next time you tell me to ‘fuck off’, I won’t be so nice. Got it? Good.
that the things I say on this blog are going to either offend someone or scare them.
But this is what goes on in my mind. Reality isn’t always easy to deal with.
who are you to say what someone else is feeling? How do you know that they aren’t in love? How do you know what love is?
Not saying that I know what love truly is. But I do know how it feels to like someone so much..it could be love.
That particular person is no longer in my life, but I still love him. Not the ‘I want to spend the rest of my life with you” or “you’re the only one I want to be with” kind of love, but…well..its hard to explain. Honestly, I don’t want to be with that person anymore. Don’t even want to talk to him. But I still want more than anything for him to be happy.
Get what I’m saying here?
I don’t remember where I was going with this.
To get back to the point, don’t tell someone how they’re feeling. Only THEY can know. It’s THEIR feelings. Not your’s. So there.
thinking back on it now, I’m really glad those pills didn’t kill me.
it’s weird to think that I could be dead right now.
But that was almost 2 years ago, and I think it’s finally safe to say that I really am happy.
oops, looks like my secret is out.
I don’t ever want to remember how it felt to feel that low. Ever. I don’t want to remember the numbness.
I’m not proud of my past, but I’m not going to let it define me.
Yeah, I attempted suicide. But I failed. And I’m still here. Still breathing. Still living.